See the real keys, skip Key West
By Tim Dorsey/Tampa Tribune

Tips for the trip

BIG PINE KEY - Humans aren't the only species that occasionally hear the inner genetic cry, ``Road trip!''

The difference is that migrating birds and fish have better reasons, a good idea how to get there, and arrive in generally decent condition.

But about the chronological age of ``college,'' ill-prepared people start launching themselves on brainless journeys to the Land of Bad Judgment.

In the Florida Keys, this is marked by a hell-bent, 100-mile grunion run down the Overseas Highway that ends in front of a beer in Sloppy Joe's.
This is no longer the Key West of Ernest Hemingway. It's the Hemingway Souvenir Pavilion. Even the Margaritaville state of mind has been turned into a mini theme park. Jimmy Buffett's restaurant - excuse me, make that T-shirt outlet - is packed with people trying to get laid-back with a white-knuckled intensity.

If the island has a sport, it's the ``Duval Crawl'' - dragging oneself up and down the strip of bars on Duval Street under the mistaken belief that staying up just a little later, drinking a little more and spending a few more dollars will soon yield untold titillations. If you haven't been here on the weekend, it's kind of like mixing Spring Break, New Orleans' French Quarter and an Amtrak derailment.

The solution? Go with the maniacal flow down U.S. Highway 1 until you get about 30 miles from Key West. Then quickly pull off the road and let the lemmings rush past.

You are now in the last of the old Florida Keys. Big Pine, Little Torch, Ramrod, Cudjoe, Summerland, Sugarloaf - all relatively unspoiled because most visitors are now so close to Key West that they won't stop for anything.

This is the real Margaritaville: cutoff shorts, sand between your toes, just a touch of sunburn, a breeze rustling palm fronds, and a dockside bungalow where the only sounds are a ceiling fan and a blender.

Begin your trip with as little planning as possible. Round up any fishing, diving, camping and photography gear you may want and stuff your most comfortable clothes in a gym bag. Anything you forget probably can be purchased below tourist-gouging prices at the Big Pine shopping center, your unofficial staging area.

All sites in the Keys are located by the string of mile markers that begin with marker 107 in Key Largo and end at marker 0 on a rock in Key West looking toward Cuba. The secret is not to rush these miles like they're a chore, although it certainly starts that way.

The first 35 miles are one long tropical strip mall - lots of seashell kiosks and bogus (``world famous'') tiki bars. The stretches of unscenic island driving are long, and the aquamarine views from the bridges are brief.

But at about mile marker 72, this reverses, as the islands get shorter and the bridges longer, until you're hopscotching across flecks of coral. The mammoth Channel Five Bridge and Long Key Viaduct provide as much space and color as the world has.

THE LOWER KEYS
There's one more run of tedious, earthbound driving through Marathon before taking off for good on the Seven Mile Bridge at marker 47.

The old bridge runs parallel to the north and soon you'll see picturesque Pigeon Key under its span (the backdrop of all those rental car commercials).

After a couple more keys, an antique railroad trestle appears on the left in another postcard scene, leading from a ridge of palms at the Bahia Honda State Recreation Area. This is some of the better camping in the Keys and an excellent family environment.

You're soon on Big Pine Key looking for a restroom. Try the Lower Keys Chamber of Commerce on the south side of U.S. Highway 1 at marker 31. While there, get some advice on accommodations. If you like a gamble, go down with no reservations and check out the bed-and-breakfasts. A sure bet is Parmer's Place on Little Torch Key.

Nature is the big draw in these parts. One of the popular attractions is Blue Hole, a freshwater nature area on Big Pine that used to include an 11-foot alligator known as Grandpa that had to be removed because he lost his fear of humans and developed an appetite for sandwiches.

The mangrove flats are home to thousands of wading birds and feature the Great White Heron National Wildlife Refuge (approachable by boat). Those nests atop special poles next to the highway belong to ospreys, the Keys' bird of prey.

These islands are the last habitat of the almost-extinct miniature Key deer, outnumbered by roadside tote boards tracking how many have been squashed in traffic.

The deer are irresistibly cute and friendly, and tend to come out of the bushes to feed at dusk, which means everyone runs out at sunset to harass them. Resist this. It is illegal to feed the deer or dress them in funny clothes.

Instead, park far away, walk up to a nonthreatening distance and sit down. If you're patient enough, they'll start wandering around you and may even come up to sniff you, making for great photography.

The best deer-viewing is along the road running across No Name Key. Get a good map and drive north on Big Pine Key, taking the bridge east across Bogie Channel to No Name. Keep driving east carefully at 5 to 10 mph, and you should start seeing them on the sides of the road.

Just over the Bogie Channel Bridge, back on Big Pine, is the Old Wooden Bridge Fishing Camp. For a bunch of guys with fly rods, a portable TV for the Big Game, and a cooler full of Busch in the trunk, it doesn't get any better than this. If you like chocolates on your pillow, keep driving.

NO NAME PUB
A few hundred feet west, on the right side of the road, is the No Name Pub. Its motto says it all: ``A nice place, if you can find it.''
This is a bar's bar. A genuine island hangout with no pretense. One weekend found a grizzled motorcycle gang in harmony with grandparents taking the kids out for dinner.

There used to be an antique pinball machine in the corner and a stuffed Key deer wearing a bow tie and standing on a shelf (known as ``Clyde, the Keys Camel - Mangrovus-humpus'').

But the bar changed hands and decor changed. Now, hundreds of inscribed dollar bills from patrons cover the walls and ceiling.

Go there hungry and order a pizza dripping with cheese and served on a slab of wood. The pub is tough to locate, but it's gaining a reputation, and therefore will soon lose its charm.

The pub isn't electric with excitement, just a quiet winding-down site. Which is appropriate: You have to get up early tomorrow. Before bed, sit outside the room a few minutes and check out the sky and more stars than you'll ever see in the Tampa night.

TIPS FOR THE TRIP

WHERE TO STAY

WHERE TO EAT NIGHTLIFE
DIVING
CAMPING
FISHING
WHAT TO BRING